


Lessons

by FrostonMaples



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Team Dynamics, Teamwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-18
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-25 14:17:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1651649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrostonMaples/pseuds/FrostonMaples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick Fury believes that "Be Prepared" isn't just a motto for boy scouts. Nobody is exempt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an attempt at a fun take on events after the movie, something that would be possibly useful for all of the characters, including some who didn't appear onscreen. This was originally written and posted on FFN January, 2013, before Iron Man 3. I've decided to leave it as is, more or less, with only a few tweaks to compensate for small things that have started to bug me as a writer since I wrote this, and not compensate for stuff that is now not right with the MCU since IM3, Thor: the Dark World, and The Winter Soldier.
> 
> Many, many thanks to the bunch at the Beta Branch for all their help and encouragement. The adage is true: "Dying is easy - comedy is hard".

**SHIELD Training Base 47**

**Somewhere in the American mid-west**

"I don't think this is a good idea, " Bruce Banner said, stubbornly crossing his arms. 

"Oh, I don't know," Tony Stark said. "Just imagine the impression you would make on the next alien invasion - a big green rage monster with a big gun." He turned to the trio in charge of the meeting. "He would get a big gun, right?"

Steve Rogers pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Not the point, Stark." 

"Why don't we hear Steve out before we make assumptions?" Pepper stepped forward, giving Tony a warning glare. She turned to Steve with a cool, level look. 

Steve looked over at his two co-leaders on this venture. Agents Barton and Romanoff blinked back at him, and pointedly kept their mouths shut. To say that they were unenthusiastic was an understatement - their very postures screamed they were only doing this because they were ordered to do so.

"Director Fury has decided that _all_ members and close associates of the Avengers need to have training in certain basic skills," the captain said, making direct eye contact with each member of the group. Stark rolled his eyes, Banner looked pissed, Thor looked puzzled, Jane Foster and Eric Selvig looked confused, and Pepper Potts and Darcy Lewis looked sullenly disgruntled.

"Why?" Jane Foster asked. "I shouldn't have any call to be near where there's fighting."

"Yeah," Darcy said, looking equally confused and pissed, "Isn't this a bit extreme? Bruce and Tony I can understand, but the rest of us..."

"Because I believe "be prepared" is more than a motto for the boy scouts." They all turned to see Nick Fury at the door, glowering at them. "Normally, I would prefer civilians to leave the action to qualified agents, but there is so much going on around you as a group, it would be criminal to send any of you out into the world without at least trying to teach you something useful."

"I don't think I'd make a good SHIELD agent," Darcy sneered.

"I'm not asking any of you to do that. In your case, I doubt it would be possible." Fury raised an eyebrow at her. "I just want all of you to have some basic knowledge and training to reduce risk to both your lives and the lives of any agents I may have to send in to rescue you."

He jabbed a finger towards Stark. "You know you're a target whenever you're out of your armor. Don't be an easy target." Before Stark could say anything, he added, "That includes supermodels."

He turned to Banner. "You. I would like it if there were some strategies for you that didn't involve extensive property damage and massive compensation payments."

A glare at Thor: "The same goes for you, Goldilocks. Time to start adapting to our 'primitive ways'."

Pepper stepped forward. "Frankly, the only hostile takeover I'm likely to be involved in would be corporate, and guns aren't usually used for that. I have no desire to be anywhere near the action. And I have Stark Industries security already."

"Ms. Potts." His eye narrowed as she raised her chin defiantly. "Not only are you well known as having the poor taste to be the significant other of the tinplated billionaire, you are CEO of a wealthy company that produces some of the most advanced technology in the world, and have business dealings with SHIELD. You are visibly the most tempting target of the whole bunch of you civilians - kidnapping and extortion are just the start of the list certain people have where you're concerned. Security arrangements can be overcome. Trouble is likely to come looking for you."   
 ****

"Dr. Foster." Fury's expression didn't soften as his gaze as he turned to look at the astrophysicist. "While your association with SHIELD isn't public - everything about you is now classified information - your involvement with Goldilocks isn't exactly under the radar, thanks to him being about as subtle as a tap-dancing hippo. Also, while your research seems esoteric, there are lots of very smart bad guys out there who will think of applications for your work, and will find you to try to persuade you to share."  
 ****

"And you, Dr. Selvig." The subject of his glare gestured with the classic 'who, me?' motion. " Everything about Dr. Foster goes double for you. Not only do you know her research, you have studied the Tesseract and have been the subject of Asgardian mind control." Bleak pain flicked across Selvig's face, and behind Fury, Barton flinched. "The debriefing and exams from the SHIELD psych department are nothing compared to what Hydra or AIM would come up with."

He turned to Darcy. "Ms. Lewis, you seem to think no one would find you a useful target. Let me spell out for you what some of those nasty people out there will see if they find out about you. They will think that a poly-sci student assistant won't have much security around her, that it won't be noticed if she goes missing for an evening because she could be on a university student style bender. They will think that you will be easy pickings for an abduction, either to be used as a hostage or to be...persuaded...to be a mole used against either Dr. Foster, the Avengers or SHIELD. After Ms. Potts, you are the most tempting civilian target."

Fury stepped back to survey them all - most seemed resigned, or at least reluctantly listening. "I'm not asking you to become soldiers. I want you to be better able to handle whatever might happen. That means some lessons in basic weapons identification and handling, basic self-defense, defensive driving, and establishing emergency communication protocols." He beckoned to someone outside the door, and a solemn-faced middle-aged woman joined him. "This is Dr. Smith. She will be on site for this week as medic and to conduct first aid lessons. I want all of you to have at least the basics - Barton and Romanoff, you are to use this time to recertify. Anyone who causes problems for Dr. Smith will answer to me. Any questions?"

There was a sullen silence. 

"The Captain and Agents Romanoff and Barton are in charge - listen to them, they know their stuff. It's only five days, people. Suck it up and learn. Make all our jobs easier, and you might survive the inevitable."

"Thank-you, Director," Steve said politely as Fury gestured for him to take over. "We'll be covering a wide range of topics. Each day will start with workouts, self-defense lessons and target practice. You won't necessarily be buff experts in self defense or skilled marksmen, but it should be enough time to give you an idea of the basics and what needs to be improved.

"We'll introduce you to most of the weapons you may encounter out there, basic handling protocols and strategies. Dr. Smith will take over one day to cover first aid. There is going to be defensive driving and basic vehicle mechanics, a review of places, people and organizations to avoid, communications protocols, and miscellaneous...stuff that Agents Barton and Romanoff feel are important skills to have outside of fighting. Any questions?"

A resounding silence answered the question.

"Let's get started."

 

**Day One - The Shooting Range**

 

"Stark..."

"Don't worry, I'll put your laser sight back together. It'll be great - better than before. I'm building in a GPS and mp3 player for those long stakeouts, and the batteries will last longer - you'll love it! Much more interesting than shooting."

Natasha Romanoff - survivor of the Red Room program, bane of the Russian underworld - sighed.

"Hey, Bruce, look! I just made the Black Widow facepalm!"

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"It's NOT funny!"

"But I'm unharmed - and it tickled."

"That's not the point." Clint felt a headache coming on. He waved off Dr. Smith, who had come running with her medical kit. "You don't sneak up on someone who's about to fire a gun." He turned to a tearful Jane Foster, saying gently, "We need to work on remembering to retain control of the gun at all times when it is in your hand, even if you're startled. Be glad it was Thor you shot in the foot..."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Natasha held out her gun to Pepper. "Is this gun loaded?"

"It's your gun - of course it is," Pepper replied.

"How do you know for sure?"

"I, ah, have no idea."

She turned to Darcy. "Tell me - is the safety on?"

"Um, I don't know."

"If you have a gun in your hand, you check if the gun is loaded and the safety on. Even if you don't pick it up, or have it in your hand, you should be able to tell if the safety is on." She smiled slightly. "As it turns out, the safety is on. This is a Glock 26, and this is how you check..."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"I know the Other Guy doesn't like guns, but I think this is important." Bruce continued looking stubborn, and Steve sighed. "What would happen if you're caught up with a group of civilians in a hostage situation?"

"I would stay quiet and wait for a rescue."

"Right. What if something goes wrong? Would the Other Guy come out if someone got shot? Would it be safe if he did?" Bruce continued to scowl. "Having the Other Guy as your main means of offense is like having only a bomb as a weapon - sometimes you need a bomb, sometimes you only need a flyswatter - and if you use the bomb when you only need a swatter, it causes more damage than it's worth." 

Bruce started to look pissed. 

"I know you do your best, but it's a given that you may end up in risky situations regardless of whether or not you're with us. I don't want you to carry a gun, I don't want you to become a fighter - I would like you to be able to have enough ability to get away from a situation, either with a weapon or with some basic self-defense techniques. I know you started to study the basic defense and evade techniques of Brazilian jui-jitsu in Brazil - I want to continue what you started to learn. It would also be very nice if you could provide us with reasonably accurate information if you're in a situation before the rest of us."

"That's all?"

"That's it. My main goal is to make you hard to capture, so the Other Guy doesn't show up at a bad time. Tell him it's to let you get to a place where it's safe to smash. That's the truth."

Bruce's stubborn look started to fade. "Just the basics?"

"If it'll make you feel better, we'll start with just walking through non-shooting stuff, and see how you feel. For the rest of it, general fitness and some simple throwing, no sparring." Steve grinned at him. "I don't really want the Other Guy to turn up unnecessarily either."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"I do not see why I need to learn about these...puny weapons. Mjolnir and my powers are unrivaled for combat and protection." Thor peered doubtfully at the pistol in his hand. It looked tiny.

Steve refrained from sighing - he had seen this argument coming. "So, you're telling me that you've never lost your powers, never had something block you from using Mjolnir?"

Steve didn't think Thunder Gods pouted, so he decided that Thor's expression qualified as a frown.

"I know it's unlikely, but nothing is impossible." He continued as Thor stubbornly glared at him. "It will help you better understand what Agents Barton and Romanoff do, and also the risks that someone like Jane or Darcy might face." Thor opened his mouth to speak. "Before you can come to the rescue."

"It also pays to be unpredictable," Clint added, walking over. "No one would ever expect Thor, God of Thunder, to know how to use a gun. Never underestimate the value of the element of surprise." The stubborn look started to fade. "Look on it as miniature thunder."

A small smile finally began on Thor's face, and Steve knew the argument had been won.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

They all stood around a large table covered with a minor armory. It was Clint's turn to instruct - he cleared his throat uneasily and started to speak. "These are some of the weapons you are most likely to encounter." He started with the rifles, giving a brief description of each one, working his way down to the smaller pistols and hand weapons. "The rest of the things on this table are all close-range hand weapons -" he paused. "You have a question, Darcy?"

She squirmed briefly, then plunged ahead with her question. "Will you be teaching us archery?"  
 ****

His face shifted to an emotionless mask. "No."

Bruce immediately leaned forward, pointing. "Why is there such a difference in the knives? Are some of them specifically for throwing?"

Clint pounced on the new topic, picking up one of the knives in question. He didn't see the quiet looks exchanged by the rest of the group.


	2. Chapter 2

**Day Two - Driving**

 

"But-"  
 ****

"No," Natasha said firmly. "If you want to use yoga as part of your warm-up, fine. The main physical training we're going to be doing has direct application to techniques we'll be training you in."

"But-"

"Pepper, if someone attacks you, a lotus pose isn't going to help. All of the exercises Clint, Cap and I are teaching lead directly into defences for many situations you may face."

Pepper opened her mouth again. 

"This is not negotiable," the agent said, with a steely glint in her eyes.

"Fine," Pepper said, conceding defeat. Her eyes widened as the spy reached over to pull out a mat. "What are you doing?"

"I thought I would join you this morning, if you don't mind." She smiled at Pepper's wide-eyed shock. "I've used a short yoga routine for my initial warm-up of the day for years. The stretches are great."

"Oh." Pepper took a deep breath and smiled to dispell the flustered feeling. "Uh, sure. It'd be great to have some company."

Jane Foster peeked into the room. "Hey, what're you doing?"

"We're doing some yoga to warm up. Grab a mat if you want," Natasha offered.

"I've never done yoga," Jane admitted shyly.

"I thought all women tried yoga at some time or another," Pepper said. "Grab a mat and we can show you some of the beginner stuff. You okay with that Natasha?"

"Sure," the spy shrugged. "Stretches are stretches. I may do some extra stuff after you're done, but I don't mind."

"Great! Okay Jane, here are some of the first ones my instructor showed me..."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Tony, Clint and Thor were having a lively debate about the merits of Star Wars versus Lord of the Rings as they passed the practice space on the way to the gym when Tony suddenly stopped and cut off the conversation. "Whoa. Guys - shut up and follow me." He carefully tiptoed back to the practice space doorway. Curious, Clint and Thor followed.

Carefully, following Tony's lead, they peered in.

"What are they doing?" Thor whispered.

"It's called yoga," Clint whispered back.

"Pepper's tried for years to get me to try it," Tony whispered, "but she always ends up giving up. The last time she tried she said she's convinced that I don't possess an ounce of serenity - sshh!"

"Okay Jane, the next one we'll try is called downward facing dog." Pepper demonstrated, then Jane tried to imitate with some help from Natasha, who joined in once Jane was settled. 

"I fucking love yoga," Clint whispered.

"One of the best things to ever come out of India," Tony agreed happily.

"Verily," Thor muttered, wide-eyed.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"How did this happen, Mr. Stark?" Dr. Smith asked as she examined his bloody nose. 

"Pepper hit me. Steve was giving her some tips in the self-defense class and she learned more quickly than I did." He paused for a minute, mulling over the scene in his mind. "She looked surprised but somehow...satisfied."

Dr. Smith sniffed scornfully as she continued her exam, but said nothing.

"I heard that. You know something."

"I _know_ nothing," she said dryly. "By the way, your nose isn't broken. Put some ice on it."

"I think you know something. I'm sure of it." He batted his eyes at her. "Please share your wealth of knowledge with me."

She raised a disdainful eyebrow. He stared at her expressionless face, and wondered briefly if she had been born without a sense of humor, or if it had been surgically removed. 

"Nobody has _told_ me anything." She turned to put her medical kit away. "I noticed that the sparring this morning was especially vigorous - please help Agent Romanoff persuade Agent Barton to come see me if the ice doesn't help the swelling. And keep an eye on Mr. Odinson."

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

She gravely looked him in the eye. "It's not a good idea to ogle a yoga class." 

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"This 'Eagle' pistol is the one I much prefer."

"That's because it's the size of a small cannon," Eric Selvig replied. "For you, it's perfect. Me, it wouldn't just knock me on my ass with the recoil, it would likely also break my wrist. The Walther's size is much more suited to me - besides, if it's good enough for James Bond, it's good enough for me."

"I do not understand the fascination with this James Bond character. Sometimes he stands and fights, but he more often uses trickery and devices in dishonorable ways to achieve success. He is no warrior."

"That's the point Thor." Eric put on his safety glasses. "He is sent on the missions that honorable warriors cannot do because they are honorable - regardless of honor, the villain must be stopped."

They both slipped on their ear protection and fired off the first rounds of target practice.

"Purpose can be confused when there is no honor for guidance," Thor debated thoughtfully as they reloaded.

Selvig sighed. "An Asgardian warrior is like the gun in your hand - always forward in a direct line, usually noisy, with no subtlety. Not very good if there's something fragile blocking the direct way."

"I see," Thor said thoughtfully. "Then the Lady M is like an archer, and Bond is the arrow she uses when she needs to loft her shot." He looked past Selvig's shoulder. "What say you, Agent Barton?"

Clint’s face flicked into careful non-expression when Selvig turned to face him. “She would be farther ahead to lob a grenade and take her chances on the damage,” he said curtly. With an abrupt nod, he left, leaving the god and the scientist exchanging worried looks.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"It is small."

"The seat is back as far as it can go. You're going to have to make do - there won't be many larger vehicles out there for you if there's an emergency, and there's lots that are smaller." Natasha smiled patiently, her expression fooling only the god of thunder. Steve and Clint had notably made themselves scarce after an ill-judged high-five when she had lost rock-scissor-paper for this round of teaching. 

Thor carefully opened the door and wedged himself into the driver's seat of the jeep.

"Is she really going to try to teach Thor how to drive?" Eric Selvig turned to see Tony Stark walking up to join him in his discrete watching of the driving range. 

"Looks like it." They stood in silence as the jeep bounced into motion, and screeched (both tires and gears) around the course. "It seems like he drives like he flies."

"Yep - ooh, great fish-tail. Aaand, that has to be the world's fastest donut."

"I think he is listening to her, he just has no finesse - oh dear."

"Fred Flintstone would be proud. Good thing there's a spare jeep."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"So, you won the coin toss?" Bruce asked Clint.

"Yeah, he lost - now he gets to teach Pepper how to drive the jeep."

"But - she knows how to drive."

"Not standard," Clint replied with a wry smile as he watched Pepper and Steve climb into the vehicle. "Any car she drives here herself is automatic, and she always has a driver when she's on her overseas business trips."

"I see." They both watched as the jeep lurched. "Steve should be a good teacher. Much better than Tony."

"That goes without saying." They watched in silence for a few minutes. "Wow. I didn't know a jeep could bunny-hop like that." 

A few more minutes passed. 

"Sounds like the engine's flooded," Bruce observed.

"Yep, I think you're right," Clint agreed.

"I don't think I've ever seen Steve look like that."

"The only time I've seen someone look greener is when the Other Guy shows up."

"You're right." Another minute passed. "I think it might be a good idea to go somewhere else before he tries to teach her to drive uphill," Bruce suggested.

"But - this is fun!" Clint protested.

"Let me put it this way - she's scheduled to be my first workout partner for tomorrow morning's self-defence session."

"You go ahead..."

"She also organizes the social events for all of the Stark foundations and we're all are on call for those. She has a long memory." They both winced at the memory of tuxedos and simpering socialites. "And aren't we supposed to start tomorrow morning with another sparring demonstration? Natasha lost to you for the fun of teaching Thor to drive, and Steve lost to you for this..."

"Riiight. Let's go help Jane teach Darcy how to use booster cables."


	3. Chapter 3

**Day Three - First Aid**

 

Steve carefully refrained from sighing. "OK Bruce, I need you to grab Pepper from behind - one arm around her neck like I showed you. Pepper, remember to shift your weight to add to the leverage you need to throw him. Bruce, just like we discussed - relax, roll and up if you can."

Finding someone Bruce could practice with had proven to be a challenge. After watching them spar, the Other Guy twitched whenever Clint or Natasha came anywhere near Bruce in the gym, and it wasn't much better with Steve or Thor. Tony was banned from practicing with Bruce after smuggling in a hi-tech version of a joy-buzzer, and Darcy flustered Bruce almost as badly as the buzzer with flirting and wisecracks. That left Jane, Eric and Pepper - this morning, it was Pepper's turn.

He watched them grapple for a minute as Pepper struggled unsuccessfully, then started to call out instructions. "Pepper, shift a bit more to the left. No, the other left. Move your right foot out a bit - not that much... Both of you, freeze." They both stopped what they were doing, and started to straighten. "No, hold the position you're in." He stepped in closer, and carefully reached out. "Here - if you move your leg a bit like this, and turn your shoulders this way - Bruce, don't...!"

An ill-timed sneeze from Bruce (to be fair, Pepper's hair did the tickling) caused a fatal shift in weight. Most of his weight suddenly rested on Pepper as she was shifting, and she fell forward - onto Steve, pulling Bruce with her. She gasped for breath as she suddenly found herself crushed between the two men. 

"Well, this is interesting." They all looked up to see Tony watching them. "Pepper, when I suggested a threesome last week, this wasn't quite what I had in mind." His head tilted thoughtfully as all three turned various shades of pink. "Could I at least watch?"

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Contrary to Stark's opinion, Dr. Smith did have a well-hidden sense of humor. As she remarked later to one of her colleagues, it was an... interesting week.

 

XXXXXXXXXXX

 

"Mr. Stark, I don't care if it is an excellent sterilizing agent. I will not recommend putting vodka in the first aid kits."

 

XXXXXXXXXXX

 

"Mr. Odinson, mouth to mouth does not involve tongue. Dr. Foster, don't encourage him. While we don't have rooms for that here, I'm sure you can find a place if you ask around."

 

XXXXXXXXXXX

 

_Not going to laugh. NOT going to laugh._ Dr. Smith cleared her throat as an undignified giggle threatened to erupt. "That's not exactly the technique I demonstrated for immobilizing an arm and shoulder." She pressed her lips into a thin line as the corners of her mouth rebelliously tried to twitch. _NOT GOING TO LAUGH!_

Erik Selvig looked desperately embarrassed as Darcy gazed up pleadingly. "I couldn't remember exactly how you said to do the bandaging, but this does hold everything immobile-"

Dr. Smith might have been fine except that Stark chose that exact moment to walk by and do a double take. "Wow. Doc, I never knew that Miss November taught anyone else how to do that. You even got the extra twist at the elbow..."

"Excuse me." She abruptly pushed Stark out of the way to walk quickly out of the room. The cause would have remained unknown and her dignity intact if the door hadn't been pressurized to close slowly. As it was, the three of them were the first people during the twenty year career of Dr. Smith to hear her collapse into hysterics (but not the only since it was promptly recorded on Tony's phone and immediately uploaded to the SHIELD datanet).

Darcy turned to Erik. "Doc, you know I love ya, but if I'm ever dying and you do this to me again, we're going to have a safe word first."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"Miss Lewis. Could you please demonstrate for me how to immobilize a shoulder injury?" As Darcy obediently stepped forward, the doctor eyed the rest of the group. "Agent Barton, please step up here for the demonstration."

Clint reluctantly walked over. "Shouldn't Dr. Selvig be doing this?"

"She is much more likely to be immobilizing your shoulder in the future than his - may as well start now." There was the faintest trace of a smile on the doctor's face.

"Does this have anything to do with my latest post-mission checkup?"

"Agent Barton, I have no idea what you're talking about. It's unethical for a doctor to carry a grudge - especially about something as trivial as an examination room full of shaving cream." Her smile could have been used for shaving. She handed extra bandages to Darcy. "Miss Lewis, I was intrigued by the alternative immobilization technique Dr. Selvig demonstrated on you earlier. Do you think you could duplicate it?"

Darcy smirked at Clint. "I could try."

"Would it help if I said I have no idea how that happened?" Clint asked feebly. Dr. Smith handed Darcy another roll of bandages.

Behind him, Natasha smirked.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"Really, there's not much to it." 

"Please go over the basics," Dr. Smith repeated patiently. "This knowledge could save your life."

"Look, if things go badly enough that I can't deal with it myself, I'm pretty much screwed anyways." Tony hid his uneasy squirm with a smile that had melted supermodels in the past.

The smile failed miserably on the Dr. Smith iceberg. "Humor me." 

"Tony, please." Pepper looked at him with the soulful eyes he couldn't resist.

"Fine." He drummed his fingers on the table thoughtfully. "If I keel over in my workshop, there may be a spare arc reactor on hand. I would likely be conscious to walk a person with small hands through the steps to switch in the new reactor. It's easy - Pepper was able to do it."

"It was gross," Pepper interrupted, scowling at him.

"It was not gross!" He glared back at her, forgetting about their audience.  

"There was pus!" 

Tony threw his hands up in the air. "That was plasmic discharge!" 

"It smelled!" 

"Eww." Jane Foster looked slightly green and Darcy stared in horrified fascination. "Are there any other ways someone could help you?"

"I'll get back to you on that." He glared at Jane and Darcy. "Booster cables are not an option."


	4. Chapter 4

**Day Four - Miscellaneous Skills**

 

"Why running?" Darcy groaned. "I've always sucked at running."  
 ****

"If we're teaching you all of this stuff so you can escape and run away, you need to be able to run." Clint wasn't even breathing quickly as he jogged along beside her, much to her disgust. 

"I was hoping for a handsome SHIELD agent to come to the rescue and sweep me off my feet," she puffed. "Much more interesting than sweating my butt off."

"Unless it's the sky is falling, no agent is going to touch you. Thor's made it clear that you're off limits - anyone with half a brain isn't about to tangle with him." He blinked at the surprise on her face. "I thought you knew."

"Tall, blond and medieval and I are going to have a conversation about this," Darcy wheezed. She looked over at Clint, who hadn't broken a sweat yet. "You suck."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

It came as something of a shock when Steve joined them as a student for the fourth afternoon. It was even more of a shock when he wasn't very successful with the lesson.

"You were never taught how to pick a lock?" Natasha was carefully expressionless, but Clint caught her blink of surprise.

Steve shrugged sheepishly. "Never needed to learn. The few missions I went on that involved stealth we either had an advance scout who opened things up for us, or we were able to acquire keys. Or we just kicked the door in."

"Then it's time you learned. You never know when the quiet approach will be most effective."

It quickly became apparent that, for the good of the team, the Captain and (unsurprisingly) Thor wouldn't be using their lock-picking skills very often. 

"Gently," Clint repeated. The rest of the group had more or less learned the trick to picking mechanical locks, but success had eluded the soldier and the Asgardian. So far, between the two of them, four of the practice locks were now permanently broken.

A quiet click finally rewarded Steve for his efforts. "Finally," he sighed. "I don't understand why it took me so long."

"Totally different from your usual skill set Cap," Clint replied. "Let's see you do it again, just to be sure." He looked over to Thor just as the fifth lock shattered. "Thor, let's assume that you'll just kick the door in."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"Admit it, you've been wanting to do this to me for years."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Pepper replied, securing the handcuffs in place.

"C'mon - it'd be fun."

"If I really wanted you in handcuffs, I'd have figured out some way for you to miss this class."

"What? Why?"

She leaned in closer to whisper. "It would be no fun if the person who is cuffed knows how to escape. It's much more interesting if he has to beg and make desperate promises to be freed. Never mind some of the things he might have to do and have done to him..."

Tony attempted to put up his hand. "Not feeling well. Need Pepper to take me back to my room."

Natasha smirked knowingly. "The cuffs stay here, Stark."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"No, I'm not trying to turn you into a bunch of boy scouts," Steve sighed. "Knowing how to tie certain knots is very useful. For instance, a bowline knot is the one recommended when you tie a rope around either yourself or someone else during search and rescue efforts - if done correctly, it won't slip, and it's relatively easy to undo." Steve demonstrated a number of useful knots before having the group split up into pairs.

Dr. Selvig and Darcy found themselves paired up again when it came time to put theory into practice. She couldn't help a fond smile as she heard the doctor mutter under his breath as he tried to remember the technique.

"Hey, Doc?" He paused to look up from the knot to her face. "What's our safeword?" She winked.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"All those years on the run, and you never learned how to hotwire a car?"

"I did a lot of walking and hitchhiking," Bruce said with a shrug. "Much lower profile than riding in large, easily spotted stolen property with license plates."

"I guess," Clint shrugged. "You're going to learn today. Just pay close attention to the wires - I don't need a zap bringing on a visit from the Other Guy."

"It takes more than a zap to bother me. I'd be more worried about road rage..."

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Day Five - Strategy and People**

 

"You've been avoiding me."

Clint turned from watching Natasha and Steve spar to see Eric Selvig standing behind him, arms crossed. His expression became closed and guarded. "Not avoiding you. I just don't have much to say," he said curtly.

"Then just listen to me," Selvig said. He fidgeted for a few seconds, visibly gathering his courage. "Loki tainted the best in both of us. My studies of the tesseract could have been the crowning achievement of my career. Instead, Loki made my work directly instrumental in allowing a deadly race of aliens access to our world." 

He hesitated, bracing himself before continuing. "Of all your skills as an agent, it is your talent with your bow that stands out the most and makes you unique in your field. Loki used that talent to kill civilians and your fellow agents, and almost destroy SHIELD's ability to respond to a global menace." He paused for a minute, face bitter with memory. "When I look back on things, I have no idea how long Loki was whispering in my mind. I still listen sometimes to make sure he isn't there."

"Fury has offered me the opportunity to continue my work analyzing the data collected from the Tesseract. He did stipulate that if he ever saw my eyes glow blue that he wouldn't hesitate to shoot me dead." He shrugged. "Considering the hazards, it seems fair. It's reassuring to know that no matter the cost, he won't let it happen again."

Clint said nothing.

Selvig nodded and turned to leave. He paused, looking back over his shoulder. "If you use your bow again, I'm sure he'll do the same for you." 

Clint turned back to the sparring but didn't see it, deep in thought.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"So, the universal code word for emergency is...?"

"Pineapple." Darcy was strangely insistent on it.

"Okay," Steve said hesitantly. "I don't really understand why, but okay." He looked questioningly at Natasha and Clint, who both shrugged.

"It's not weird or hard to remember. It's an everyday word that isn't used all the time," she explained. "If it's good enough for the Buy More, it's good enough for us."

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"Technically, General Ross isn't a criminal," Clint explained, with an apologetic glance towards Bruce.

"He does, however, have an interest in Dr. Banner," Natasha continued. "He wants to replicate the accident that created the Hulk, and has been known to use both his military resources and less...savory methods to try to achieve his goals." She carefully didn't look at Bruce. "The most notable example of this is the case of Emil Blonsky, now called the Abomination. Blonsky is currently in a high security holding cell - beyond that, no one knows what to do with him."

Jane winced at one of the photos. "Ross did that?"

Darcy did a double take. "There's not enough botox in the world to help that."

Thor frowned. "Worse than a mountain troll."

Bruce was carefully bland and noncommittal. They could easily have been talking about the weather for all the reaction he showed.

"Currently, he's somewhat disgraced, but he has a lot of friends and sympathizers." Steve looked mildly disgusted. "Director Fury has recommended that we avoid any contact with Ross or his staff for now."

Tony smirked. "Sorry, bit late for that."

"What do you mean?" Natasha asked apprehensively.

"I met with the man. In a bar. After that business in Harlem," Tony shrugged.

"What. Happened?" she asked.

"I was asked to approach him concerning the Avengers Initiative." His face was innocent, as only Tony could be before chaos was unleashed. "We couldn't come to an agreement. He was rather drunk, I believe, and since we were in his favorite bar, he thought he could have me thrown out."

"Tony, what did you do?" Pepper asked, full of dread.

"I, ah, bought the place. And had it demolished."

Not only did the entire group get to witness the Black Widow facepalm for the second time in less than a week, they also saw Bruce Banner howl with laughter.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"So Hydra and AIM are both secret international organizations," Jane Foster concluded.

"Yes," Natasha said. "They are both large, well-organized, have branches in almost every nation on earth, large scientific research capabilities and very few scruples when it comes to how they gain that knowledge or how the knowledge is used." 

"You say they're secret," Darcy asked with a skeptical expression, "But they dress like that? I mean, seriously, one looks like a bunch of neon beekeepers, the other - well, I'm not sure what the hell they look like, but they most definitely don't blend."

"Usually they only wear the outfits while on base, or if they need protection during a delivery. There are rare times they will wear full uniforms for meetings, but to the best of anyone's knowledge that's very seldom."

"So, how do we identify them?" Pepper asked thoughtfully.

Natasha tapped the laptop in front of her, then turned it to show them. "This is the emblem for Hydra - most of the time, their people will have it tattooed on them somewhere. AIM personnel usually have an implanted tracer, and often other devices implanted for easy access - you usually need special sensors to detect them, but they will sometimes cause interference with other instruments."

"So Latveria isn't just an odd little nation that dislikes the rest of the world - it really is the base for a super villain who wears armor?" Bruce asked, scanning down the list. "And his name is Dr. Doom? Seriously? Isn't that kind of... I don't know, cliche overkill?"

"I'm serious Dr. Banner," Natasha said. "He's one of the most intelligent scientific minds on the planet, and not someone to trifle with."

"These are the big guys out there," Clint added helpfully. "There's lots of other smaller groups - they aren't as large or as well organized as these three. And then there's the lone operators - they sometimes will work for themselves, and sometimes for hire."

"Swell." Darcy looked at the rest of the list that the agents hadn't covered yet. It was extensive. "Is there anyone on this planet besides my Aunt Bertha who doesn't want to kill us?"

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

"I want to thank all of you for participating," Fury said, his gaze taking all of them in. "I realize that this has been an imposition, but I firmly believe it was necessary for all of you to have at least some rudimentary training, be aware of your strengths and weaknesses, and maybe try to continue to learn. While I hope you won't need some of the skills we covered with you, I also think the lessons learned this week will save lives." His expression shifted to a scowl. "There is one of you who I do not believe is performing to the best of his abilities - that person will not be allowed back out into the field until I am persuaded otherwise."

"Agent Barton, step forward." The agent stepped forward warily, expression guarded. "You were cleared for active duty two weeks ago - the operation you took part in during that time was simple and straightforward, but you refused to exercise your abilities to their full capacity."

"Sir?" Confusion replaced Barton's neutral mask.

Fury turned to the Black Widow. "Agent Romanoff, please bring me the case in the hallway." As she left the range to retrieve said case, he turned back to the puzzled agent. "You are one of my best agents, and are proficient with a wide range of weapons. You are at your best with your bow." His expression remained hard as Clint flinched in surprise, pain flicking across his face before the neutral mask slipped back into place. "You haven't touched your bow for over two months." _Since Loki_ \- the unspoken words all but echoed in the air.

The Widow returned with his bow case and quiver. Setting them on a counter, she opened the case, pulled out the bow and held it out to him. 

He turned to Fury, drawing breath to speak, but the protest died unspoken. There was a glint of compassion and understanding on the director's face as he crossed his arms across his chest. To the uneducated, it was confrontational - agents knew the posture also allowed easy access to the shoulder holster under his coat.

Natasha didn't budge as she held the bow out to him. Her face was expressionless, eyes cold - only he saw the hint of warmth and trust under the cold. He also noticed that she had put on her bracelets, and her weight was carefully balanced on the balls of her feet. Hesitantly, he reached out but didn't quite touch the bow.

The sound of a pistol being cocked sounded loud in the silence. They all turned to see Erik Selvig holding a pistol, not quite pointing it at the agent as he stepped closer.

"Erik, what are you doing?" Jane's shocked voice cued an avalanche of voices until one cut through with certain authority.

"Everyone, shut up." It was a shock to see Bruce Banner step forward with rare authority. He narrowed his eyes and held his hand up for silence as Tony started to speak. "Just - let this go." He stepped up to Selvig's side and nodded to Clint, with a brief flash of understanding and envy.

The expressionless mask dropped from the agent's face, revealing profound relief. He hesitantly grasped the bow, checked the string. In one fluid motion, he pulled an arrow from the quiver, set it to string and sighted the target. He paused, eyes closed, listening for a whisper, analyzing...

"Мы поймать вас, если вы падаете, моя ястреб,"* Natasha said softly.

A faint smile crossed his face and he released the arrow. It sank into the centre of the target, quivering. The smile grew as he reached for another arrow to shoot, followed by another. 

"Agent Barton." They all turned to see a rare, slight smile flash across Fury's face. "You and Agent Romanoff are to report to my office tomorrow morning at 08:00." His gazed flicked around to the rest of the group. "The rest of you - well done."

As he turned to leave, Stark was stepping forward with an arrow in his hand. Fury heard him say, "I have a new stick for your arsenal, Legolas. It's a variation on a missile I developed - I call it the baby Jericho. This one in my hand is a miniature of that for indoor range use - call it the infant Jericho..." Shaking his head, Fury started to walk down the hall.

He only got about ten feet away from the range before the base shook from an explosion. Heart pounding, he raced back to see the range in shambles and the entire group sprawled on the floor, liberally coated in soot.

Hawkeye, flat on his back, blinked. "Wow."

"I may have miscalculated the size of that infant," Stark wheezed.

"No shit," Darcy groaned. "You're so replacing this shirt."

Fury checked - they were all moving, and Banner wasn't turning green. He turned and left without a word - anything that everyone walked away from was a win in his book.

 

 

*"We'll catch you if you fall, my hawk"

 

**Author's Note:**

> This can be read as a standalone, but it does loosely connect with my other Avengers pieces. For those interested, the order would be: Sons of Hamsters and Minions of Unusual Numbers, Partners, Negative Space, Serenade, Salt, Lessons and The List.


End file.
